Zeros and Ones

If I could take your pain away, I would. I would shoulder it myself so that I could see your smile again, and see the light shining in your eyes without the veil of sadness covering it up. I don't like to see your tears.


I've been reminded recently, in various ways, about how the advent of technology has been not only wonderful, but can be the cause of misunderstandings, pain and hurt feelings. And I have seen how the written word in this "safety behind a technological wall" can shatter dreams.

Innocence is lost here.  Or is it that the word has taken on an entirely different meaning in these modern times?  A fine, thin line is all that remains, and is too easily crossed.

The tie that binds gets stretched taut, until it is hanging together by nothing more than a thread.  If it breaks, then you had better know how to tie the strongest knot possible if it is ever to be bound again.

There is danger deep within these bits and bytes, these zeros and ones.  Unfortunately, we don't always see it.  When did the bits and bytes become a free-for-all that we see as our own "plastic bubble"?  

When I brought up my mail website this morning, I saw an article about how Facebook had yanked the account of some girl who had posted a photo of herself in a bathtub -- they yanked it because her elbow "looked like a nipple".  Really.  How very noble and protective of you to be so concerned about my sensibilities to prevent me from seeing something that may look like a nipple.  Awww, why thank you!  So I then open my Facebook and there on the righthand side is a feed of "suggested friends, chosen just for (me)!"  People I may be interested in sending a friend request to!  Isn't that nice of them to hand-pick these people for me?

The problem is, of course, that the one listed had as her photo of herself with this skimpy little shirt on, huuuuuge boobs popping out, hands cradling them and pushing them out, mouth open in an "o" ... hmmmm obviously Facebook feels we have much in common.  Perhaps she plays the one game I do, Disney's Animal Kingdom?  Perhaps she's interested in travel and cooking ... yes, that must be it!  That *must* be why Facebook is suggesting we should be friends.

*sigh*

Social media.  It's a wonderful concept, in and of itself.  It has so many good points to it.  Over my many years of traveling, it has enabled me to stay in touch with the people in my life, a great way to let them know where I am, what I'm seeing.  It has also enabled me to renew old friendships with people I went to high school with so very, very many years ago, and those I have met at other times in my life and over my years of travel.  Some have even rebuffed my invitation to "get back in touch after all these years".  And that's okay, too.  I remember when you would meet someone and exchange physical addresses -- now we exchange email addresses and say "are you on (facebook/any other social media)?"  We share our lives, our hopes, our cherished memories.  So yes, it can be a very good thing.

It's an extension of this thing we call technology.  

Feeling bored one evening with nothing much to do?  Go to Wikipedia and type in the search term "physical" and start following links.  Physical will take you to physic which will take you to physics which will take you to ... well, a few hours later and you are deep into the laws of physics and then reading about black holes in space and ... what, you were hoping to do a couple searches before going to sleep?  It's now 3 a.m. and you are wide awake because you clicked a couple links and trying to wrap your head around the concept of wormholes or some such thing.

Or you searched for where to find some ingredient and a few hours later you are waking everyone in the house up with the noise of your cooking some strange dish you happened upon after ten link clicks and all the recipes and photos were making you hungry!  And you thought you were just going to do a simple search ;-)

Technology...the Internet...social media.  

The absolute wealth of information that is out there, just waiting to be discovered.  Learn a new language, or how to solve a complex mathematical problem, or drive yourself crazy counting the number of squares.  Learn the latest medical, psychological, sociological advancements; become a hypochondriac and worry yourself by reading about medical symptoms.  Happen upon a video of past or present citizen protests against this, that or the other thing, standing against their government and making a change -- it makes us cheer them on, and gives us hope.  Look at photos, watch videos of plane crashes before you're about to take a flight ... oh, wait, maybe that's not the greatest of ideas ... okay we'll skip those.  Back to the videos of animals doing silly things, puppies and kittens making us smile and laugh and feel all gooey inside and melting our hearts.  Click on any of the "free hug" videos and restore our faith in humanity's basic goodness.

Wait, what's this?  How to make a bomb and where to get the stuff you need to do so. Hmm.

Such a double-edged sword is this thing called technology.  A place where such wonderful and good things are embedded among the bad.  The ability is here to hide, to lock ourselves into this invisibility and anonymity and, indeed, innocence.

But be careful of the barbed wire fence surrounding this space.  Contained within is a world covered in landmines.  I wonder if these bits and bytes should come with a warning label ... beware of landmines.  Do we know what is hidden inside?  We think we do.  We say that we are grown-up and "not stupid".  But how easy it is to get sucked in -- to say "there is no mine here" and then we take a step.  And, unknowingly to us in our innocence, unaware of the unexploded mine buried deep within, we exert the pressure ... just enough pressure ... to blow the solid into bits that rise into the air and rain down onto our heads.  And all of a sudden we are standing in the midst of an elaborate puzzle -- one we hope to be able to put back together again.

We have to enter this realm remembering that we are all, in the end, human -- with the same basic needs, thoughts and desires and, most of all, feelings.  We can allow this wonderful medium to enrich our lives, increase our intelligence, make us stronger emotionally -- but we have to try to not allow ourselves to get snagged on that barbed wire, to watch where we step, and to not fall victim to the emotional dangers that lie hidden within.  Enjoy the wonders, but remember all those around us.

Courtesy of Vincenzo, by way of Laura!

PASTA CON PESTO AL RADICCHIO

Preparation time:  20 minutes
Tempo di preparazione: 20 minuti

Ingredients for 4 people:
Ingredienti per 4 persone:

150 gr. radicchio trevigiano (only the violet part of the leaves)

150 gr. di radicchio trevigiano (solo la parte viola delle foglie)

50 gr. of parmigiano/pecorino mix

50 gr. di misto parmigiano e pecorino
1 large garlic clove
1 grosso spicchio d'aglio

7 walnuts (unshelled)
7 noci sgusciate
Extra-virgin olive oil, salt and black pepper to taste

olio extra-vergine, sale, pepe nero q.b.

Pasta:
320-340 gr. of pasta -- recommended pasta: Spaghetti alla chitarra Garofalo (similar to spaghetti, except square rather than round, and made of egg in addition to flour)
Wash and dry radicchio, choosing and conserving only the violet/purple part.
Blend together (with hand blender or small blender of your choice) the leaves, walnuts, cheese, garlic, oil, salt and pepper.  Add slightly more oil, a little at a time, if the consistency is too thick.

Boil the pasta to al dente, mix together with the pesto and another dusting of parmigiano.

Buon apetito!

Brava Milly -- whoever you are

In the past couple days, many of us have seen our news feeds flooded with disturbing photos of battered women under the heading International Domestic Violence Awareness Day, or something to that effect, with the subheadings "Stop", "Basta", "Enough is Enough". We all know what it signifies -- that this "awareness" will somehow make it stop.

But the problem is, it is not a new phenomenon. It is the year 2012 ... TWO THOUSAND TWELVE. "Awareness" has been alive since ... well, for a long damn time.  Back in the day, though, as early (or late) as the mid-1980s, women were still being told to "go home", "be a better wife", "clean the house better and he won't (or feel the need to) do this". Then along came Tracy Thurman, whose story became headlines and a movie.  Her lawsuit against the police started not a trend, but an awareness.

And this was good.

Slowly, ever so slowly, people -- normal, regular, everyday people (and at that moment, this included the police, clergy, courts, etc.) -- began to understand what was happening, not only the physical aspects, but the psychological and emotional ones.  These were the hardest for anyone to grasp.  Why would she let this happen?? What the hell is the matter with her?! If *I* were her ... ahhh but you are not.  And unless you have been in her shoes and felt the emotions, the psychological torment, you are doing her a disservice and disrespect to say those words.

She knows.  Believe me, she knows.  She feels your looks, feels your disgust at her "lack of a backbone", her "lack of any self-respect".  She should leave!  Of course she should.  But she also needs you to understand what has been, and is being, done to her emotionally.

She loves -- or loved -- this man.  She remembers the happiness of their courtship, their wedding, and even the days following.  She remembers looking into his eyes and seeing love, and of trusting him with her very life.  Otherwise, she wouldn't have said "yes".  And so, when he kneels before her, crying, face full of pain, begging for forgiveness, promising ... *promising* it will never happen again, she believes him.  Why?  Because she not only wants to, she needs to.  Excuses will be found, be it work, stress, alcohol or even drugs, a driver who cut him off at the end of a long, hard day.

Ah ... the excuses.

She hears and reads every day of the excuses made for people like him.  Psychiatrists, psychologists, sociologists and everyone else, will find excuses -- he had a hard life, his childhood was difficult, he wasn't in his right frame of mind, he is "ill" or has some "mental imbalance" that would work itself out with therapy, or anger management, or any other of the hundred ways.

She is made to feel worthless, not only by him but by society.
She is made to feel less than intelligent, not only by him but by society.
She is made to feel embarrassed, not only by him but by society.

She is made to feel that she should have "fought back", by a society who says "If I was you, I would have picked up the nearest frying pan or anything else I could get my hands on..." But if you had been her, can you be so sure of that?  To know what it is like to be in the middle of it?  She is being overpowered, and is thinking of nothing more than surviving the assault, of doing what she must to possibly protect others.  Maybe she is learning what "Russian Roulette" is with a pistol pointed at her head by someone professing to love her, and is not thinking of much past surviving that moment.

We must stop making her feel this way.  She already knows it, but she feels she has no choice.  She may be being threatened while it is happening or after it has happened.

"If you tell anyone at all, I will kill you. Mark my words."
"You will self-heal here at home, because a doctor/hospital will ask questions."
"If you tell anyone, remember that I know where your family lives ... and your niece(s)/nephew(s)."

How do I know this? Why would you believe me or even tell me I'm full of shit?  Because in the early 1980s, I lived it, I survived it, and I heard every single one of those lines, especially the last one.  I could not fight back in the middle of it -- he was too strong.  I lived with the continued fear of more "games" of Russian Roulette played at my temple.  I heard all the excuses.  I was told over and over to go back, be a better wife, be ... well, be anything but who I was.  Shelters? I was half-dead and taken to a "shelter", in a horrid and violent part of Chicago, where the "shelter" was a no-tell-motel with drug deals going on in the lobby, the smell of alcohol everywhere, and left on my own in a dingy room.  Not everyone has "somewhere/someone to turn to".

We must stop doing this to women, we must stop saying "if I were you", we must be there for her, even quietly, without making her feel worse.  We must understand that there may be other underlying reasons why she is not leaving, or afraid to leave -- possibly children and even animals.  She wants to protect the innocent ones, because what will happen to them?  I had no children, but two dogs for whom I "took it" to intervene when he approached them.

Every single day we make excuses for violence, whether it is against women, children or animals. It is time for it to stop.  We need to have not a day for awareness of violence against women, but a *lifetime* of awareness against violence in all its forms.

We must stand against violence itself.  And we must understand and stop being so self-righteous and "holier than thou" (for lack of a better term).

So why the title to this?  Because today I read a wonderful "letter to the editor" from an Italian woman who said some of the same things I have been saying, but about a different subject.  She was addressing this "day of awareness" and asked "how are we supposed to fight this, when every day on the tv and in ads we see women barely dressed, being used as puppets and playthings to be used, portrayed as unintelligent and in a position subordinate to men? In the minds of men who see this, he sees women as objects. Violence and this mentality will only end when he is only being shown on tv and in ads women dressed intelligently and professionally."

She went on to say "The problem is US -- women who continue to go on tv/in ads barely dressed, the objects, the puppets, the showgirls (ed.note: one woman stated to me "as a Berlusconi girl") who refuse to do anything else because it is 'easier' and the only way to 'get ahead'.  These women give and enforce the wrong image of women. To change the violent mentality of tomorrow's men, the women of today must stop this aspect."

Many will say "women should be able to dress however they wish, it is the problem of the man."  I agree to an extent, of course, but it is this portrayal of women -- by women! -- that is a part of the problem.  Turn on a tv here, and even the female newscasters and weather forecasters are popping out of their shirts and micro-minis, all the while saying "why won't anyone take me seriously so that I can get a real job?"

So.  Milly, I applaud you for standing up and saying what many of us are thinking.

Enough is enough.  With all that we as humans have been able to accomplish and are still accomplishing technologically (and all other ways), why are we still making excuses?

Cairo...Part 1

A few years ago I “met” a young woman (through Facebook), born and raised in Cairo. We have carried on many conversations throughout that time, and I came to learn that she is not only emotionally strong, but strong-willed! When considering who to interview, she was one of the first to come to mind. (The only changes I have made in her answers are minor, spelling, for ease of reading.) And now, I'd like to introduce my friend Nan from Cairo...

Thanks so much for agreeing to be interviewed. I'm looking forward to this! I think my first question to you would be this: You are a young woman in the chaotic city of Cairo, which is going through a tremendously tough time right now, relatively newly married and with a baby boy. Do you consider your life in Cairo to be much different from life for any other young woman in other large cities?

I can't really tell whether it is different or not .. I didn't live much with the same circumstances in any other city, but as you said we are going through real hard times now. Marriage was somehow going peacefully at the beginning, although working and taking care of my home were not easy, but it was ok and I was managing. Things started to get harder with the revolution that occurred 6 months after...

Being married has magnified the trouble.

How so?

First of all, I am responsible about home expenses and with the continuous increase of prices of everything, worries rise in the air about are we going to be able to live at the same level tomorrow? Will we be able to provide our son a good comfortable life? Given that I stopped working and I am home since pregnancy, for about a year and a half now, and my husband is supporting us all. God bless him. Moreover, when I was single I didn't care much about safety – though Egypt before revolution was the safest city you can ever walk around, even at 3 am – but now it is gone. I only go out with my husband or to my mother and in laws homes, otherwise no, and I never go out after sunset. It is not safe anymore. Thugs and troubles and protests are everywhere and almost on a weekly basis.

Cairo is a tough city, an expensive one, you must keep running to be able to live good. And we are already doing our best.

When you said, however, that you can now only go out with your husband or to your mother and in-laws homes, what do you mean? The safety aspect, in what way? As a female, or is it the cover/no-cover?

No no I didn't mean that. The government might be Islamist, and hijab is worn by the majority of Muslim girls in Egypt BUT there is nothing such as Afganistan burka or anyone forced to wear it by the government. The majority of girls wear fashionable hijab, and I actually prefer to call it ehtesham which means conservative clothes, like nuns for example.

I meant about the SAFETY. The streets of Cairo aren't safe any more. I admit it – during the ruling of Mubarak and the tyranny of the police, we were living safe. The police were sometimes crossing limits but to keep the lowlifes and thugs away from the streets.

What do people want? Safety and food .. freedom is a luxury.

Even though obviously you adore your son and love your husband, do you miss your working life?

TERRIBLY. I had been working from 2000 until 2011, over ten years, reaching a high position as I was the head of the research and market intelligence department in a reputable government entity. I used to work with chairmen and CEOs and ministers, and suddenly all of this is gone. I discovered that I was with a baby and not just pregnant but high risk pregnancy because I had a fibroid that may cause abortion, so I had to stay home under medical supervision (luckily my husband is an OBGYN). So after going out every day, I just stayed home to cook, clean, take care of my hubby and my baby.

One of the things that annoys me the most is that I am used to having my own money, spending it as I wish. Now I have to ask, but I consider myself lucky because my hubby is not that kind of man who considers that his wife's salary is his. And actually I don't ask for money – he gives me what I need even before asking. Other women suffer. I had a friend whose husband takes her salary and gives her an allowance, barely enough for her needs, and makes an issue if she spends on something for her. There are women who stay home and have to be dependant on their husbands. They suffer because their men use money as a way to control and oppress them.

I also miss the dynamism of the day, meeting people, knowing stories of other people, events, going here and there, attending meetings and conferences. But now I have a fixed schedule. Routine is killing me, and there is nothing much to do. That is why I love virtual games. They take me to other colorful places. I hate to be dependant, but my husband always says "you are paying your share by taking care of our son instead of putting him in a day care and spending money, and he might get ill" and so on. One thing I have to tell you. Day care here is usually an apartment in a building with no sun or playground. It is more like a place to lock kids till their parents are back from work, and honestly I won't feel good if my baby is in one of these. Anyway, it may be a matter of time, then I'll go back. Work isn't my life, but staying at home isn't the same either.

Thinking back to the "revolution" in Cairo, when the citizens took to the streets and accomplished an amazing feat. In this day and age of instant communication and social networking, what was it like to be cut off from the world? Would you describe it more as scary or exciting?

No one ever thought that this call for a demonstration on the 25th of January will ever work. Many did it before and failed. We lived 18 days of constant thrill, fear and loads of waiting. Every home in Egypt barely got any sleep. After the first week of the revolution, all government entities asked the employees to stay home because there might be attacks on the buildings, and during this chaos you barely knew who was innocent or not. Add to that the opening of the prisons by Hamas and helped by the Muslim brotherhood to free prisoners, and continuous attacks on police stations -- usually by thugs and criminals -- and you would hear that many people were attacked on the streets, not from the revolutionists but from thugs and criminals released onto the streets.

Among all of this, communication was out. We were blacked out. Thank god there were landlines to call our families and friend, and we sat in front of the tv not moving. It was scary especially that my hubby had to go to work. One morning he woke me up and told me "we must leave now." He took me to my mother and went to work; he then went to his mother because she is living alone. So I keep waiting for a phone call on the landline at the end of the day. Cutting communication was the stupidest thing someone can do because it encouraged people to go more and more in the streets to know what is going on live – after all tv doesn't broadcast everything.

Such a time. I didn't sleep or eat. I was just praying for the safety of everyone I know.

No one said there were RULES!

When I got off the plane to come here, they only asked for my passport. They never gave me the sheet of paper with the "Rules for Living in Italy" to sign, study and learn! Which left me to have to learn them on my own ... 

1 -- If you live in an apartment, all expats must be quiet after 11 p.m. (23:00 for those of you who live life by a 24-hour clock) and before 8:00 a.m. ... even if your Italian neighbors let their children stay up until 2 a.m. screaming, yelling, crying, running up and down the stairs and generally being a nuisance -- It's an expat thang, don'cha know ;-)

2 -- If you double-park your car and block someone in, you need to listen for a honking horn -- or the long, laying-on of a horn -- or risk being screamed at with a slew of fun words for being a jerk...at 6 a.m.! If you're sleeping and you're being "called" in this manner, don't waste time getting dressed -- just get out there even in your pj's!

3 -- This one's important, too: old people (especially women) and pregnant ladies get precedence in supermarket lines (and always on a bus or metro), even if there is no sign stating this. Watch for the evil eye and listen for the not-so-quiet muttering you will hear if you don't respect this!

4 -- Those little copper "pennies" (centessimi) will come in handy on your end. 
Cashiers will expect you to have change to even out your payment, and will even give you "the face" and a sigh to go along with it if you don't produce! Be prepared for the long, drawn-out, dramatic search in the cash machine while people in line are beginning to sigh and mumble about "the foreigner". Don't question it if you are given a centessimo more or less -- it's all good!  Banks don't give their customers rolls of coins, so shops like to get rid of them ;-)

5 -- Italians are social creatures, so don't think you're going to be able to say "this is my space, this is yours" because your neighbors will come and introduce themselves to you -- which is why you should always have the coffee handy and some sweets available.  They're just being social and not nosy ... well, okay, yes they're being nosy because they'll need something to talk about and "the stranieri" make for perfect fodder! But they really are being social.  In this vein, around Christmas and Easter always have some extra panettone ready to give out to the portiere of your building and for anyone who may drop by!

6 -- Remember to take a number in the deli at the supermarket. You'll be hanging around all day if you don't, and you won't be cut any slack because you're "a foreigner".

7 -- When you go to the big markets, be prepared to be bumped (a not-so-subtle hint) by old women with their little roller-carts. They are on missions!  If you want to learn which is the best stand, or how to negotiate the best price (even a few centessimi difference), then follow those carts! But remember to get out of the way, and soon you'll be jumping and weaving with the best of them ;-)

Any more you can think of? What rules have you learned?

My goal here is to introduce you to some people I consider myself fortunate to call friends and acquaintances; those whom I feel show us all what it means to live our lives to the fullest.  To have had a dream and found a way to make it happen.  To find the light in the darkness and come out the better for it.  People from all walks of life with their own story.

I'm looking forward to this section :-)

Ahhhh...probably my favorite section!  You may think you'll find only "Nonna's super-secret true Italian" recipes here, but I'd like to shake it up a bit and go international.  I've been fortunate in my travels to experience tastes from many places, and that's what I'd like to include here.

If you have a favorite from your country, let me know!  Send it to me and I'll see about sharing it with everyone.

What's a blog site like this if it doesn't have a travel section :-)  Questions and answers will abound should you need information about traveling to Italy!  As with all the other parts, I hope to make this international also...